Me

I've been a pastor for almost two years, not very long. I'm still trying to figure out who I am in the mix. I've had a few experiences that have struck me on this topic this week. Most of them are little things, but they adumbrate(sorry, I've been wanting to use that word in a sentence for a long time) the identity question that comes with ordination.

This tuesday I was asked to come to the Sunday School teacher/staff training and offer a few words and offer a prayer. I attended and spoke of how it was a 3rd grade sunday school teacher who first told me about Jesus and that I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that person's willingness to serve. It's a true story and I meant it to be encouraging. The next day the children's education director praised me up and down for those words and told me how she and the others would go for months on those words. It just impressed on me how this position adds to anything that is said. Obviously, I was feeling pretty good after that conversation. Who doesn't like to be praised :).

I'm a pretty silly guy sometimes, I like to laugh and joke and make light of things. I like to play. But so often when I'm in Pastor mode, I feel like I have to squelch that side of me. If i don't, I'm like the nail that pops his head up, and am quickly hammered into place. Today I was at another staff training event and we played a little get to know you game. During that game I really wanted to win so I cheated in a very obvious and funny way. Everybody laughed but they always add the little line, "I can't believe you're a pastor." It's part of why I do it, it's funnier when a pastor cheats at a game cause their no supposed to. But inside I'm asking myself 'is this appropriate, is it ok that I did that, should I be more serious?' And so in other situations I probably hold back. I'm not sure if I should or not, but that question of identity and being myself is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm always very aware that I'm pastor. And if I forget people remind me subtley but quickly.

P.S. still reading that leadership book and listening to some tapes. Jesus would probably have been considred a good leader. He was relentlessy focused on the bottom line(the definition of success) which for Him was the cross. He didn't ask people to do what he didn't do first. He was honest with his disciples. He didn't avoid conflict. He was constantly putting the vision before the people. And he was relationship focused and service oriented. These are all things the leadership qualities. I think the question that I asked in a previous blog has its answer in the role weakness plays in the Christian life. I'll think more on that later.