Ordination

I visited my family in Salt Lake this weekend and attended the funeral of a man who was very involved in my youth group when I was in high-school. I saw many of my old friends and youth leaders at the funeral. I had some great catch-up conversations with many of them. But there was a theme that kept creeping into the conversations. Most of these people haven't seen me since I've been ordained and became a pastor. They responded with a degree of intimidation and defensivness. My old youth leader, who I am greatly indebted to for raising me in the faith said half jokingly "I'm not as ordained as you" and then joked about speaking in latin and making the sign of the cross as a way to kid me about the formality of my church(which really isn't true anyway). Another friend of mine commented on her lack of training but how she simply trusted God instead. Still another leader shied away from me and has ever since I entered the seminary. There is such a strong distrust and distaste for the organizational aspects of religion in Utah, at least among many of my friends.

I don't know what the reason is. I hate the separation that it creates between me and my old friends. It's like we're doing this little dance to figure out how to treat each other now. Another aspect of this is that I take my education to be a gift that I want to share, but that proves so difficult when people have this distrust of me beause I went to school. I do think I contributed to this with my zealous/overeager desire to share what I learned when I came back. I've definitely had to learn how to tame my speech down and gently share when the setting is conducive. But I wonder what else is at play here. Why is there such animosity toward trained/highly educated clergy? Why do folks think that their ministry is somehow less when they're not ordained, or maybe more accurately why do they think that I would look down on them.

My answer to my old youth pastor was 'God works through the unordained much more commonly than the ordained, i'm just grateful He works through ordained people as well.' He liked that answer and the conversation continued. But I'm sad that his understanding of his own ministry would be threatened by my presence. Am I reading too much into this? I don't think so.

Transparency

I preached a sermon today where I told a very personal story about my relationship with my Dad. I wasn't sure I would tell it. I had all sorts of questions going into the sermon. Should I reveal so much about myself so publicly? Is it appropriate to be THAT vulnerable? I don't think the pulpit should be used for personal therapy, which I've seen Pastors do in the name of being transparent. But I felt called by God to take this risk and share so I decided to tell the story.

The sermon was very well received. But I was completely unprepared for the response. People shared more with me this afternoon about their personal lives and struggles than in the 2 years I've been a pastor. I'm having dinner tonight with one family because one of them wants to discuss the sermon with me in light of their life. Although God used the sermon to unleash this response I don't think I've done a good job at responding. May God give me grace to listen and the love to help others on the journey of forgiveness.

Me

I've been a pastor for almost two years, not very long. I'm still trying to figure out who I am in the mix. I've had a few experiences that have struck me on this topic this week. Most of them are little things, but they adumbrate(sorry, I've been wanting to use that word in a sentence for a long time) the identity question that comes with ordination.

This tuesday I was asked to come to the Sunday School teacher/staff training and offer a few words and offer a prayer. I attended and spoke of how it was a 3rd grade sunday school teacher who first told me about Jesus and that I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that person's willingness to serve. It's a true story and I meant it to be encouraging. The next day the children's education director praised me up and down for those words and told me how she and the others would go for months on those words. It just impressed on me how this position adds to anything that is said. Obviously, I was feeling pretty good after that conversation. Who doesn't like to be praised :).

I'm a pretty silly guy sometimes, I like to laugh and joke and make light of things. I like to play. But so often when I'm in Pastor mode, I feel like I have to squelch that side of me. If i don't, I'm like the nail that pops his head up, and am quickly hammered into place. Today I was at another staff training event and we played a little get to know you game. During that game I really wanted to win so I cheated in a very obvious and funny way. Everybody laughed but they always add the little line, "I can't believe you're a pastor." It's part of why I do it, it's funnier when a pastor cheats at a game cause their no supposed to. But inside I'm asking myself 'is this appropriate, is it ok that I did that, should I be more serious?' And so in other situations I probably hold back. I'm not sure if I should or not, but that question of identity and being myself is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm always very aware that I'm pastor. And if I forget people remind me subtley but quickly.

P.S. still reading that leadership book and listening to some tapes. Jesus would probably have been considred a good leader. He was relentlessy focused on the bottom line(the definition of success) which for Him was the cross. He didn't ask people to do what he didn't do first. He was honest with his disciples. He didn't avoid conflict. He was constantly putting the vision before the people. And he was relationship focused and service oriented. These are all things the leadership qualities. I think the question that I asked in a previous blog has its answer in the role weakness plays in the Christian life. I'll think more on that later.